I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
