first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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