Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
