4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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