so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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