question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
