take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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