fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
