a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
