She said her name was "party"
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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