I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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