Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
We left the knife in your bed.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
