I murdered the dance floor call the cops
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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