Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
