there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
