ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
