if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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