never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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