I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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