yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
