Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
