Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
