everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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