i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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