Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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