I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Randomize
