96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
