Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I think my moral compass just broke
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
