dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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