i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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