I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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