she looked like the before picture.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
