I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
