i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
