my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
