my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
