drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
