I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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