nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
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