I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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