I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
