he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
