What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize