and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
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