i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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