Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Never joke about your clitoris.
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