the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
And then my night got REAL pukey
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
