I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
