I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
