the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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