I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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