I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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