This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
