just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Randomize