True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
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