If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Barsexuality is the new black.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
