get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
