girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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