the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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