3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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