the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
