i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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